Dear Diary
by Jander Panell
Summary: Desperate I will crawl/Waiting for so long/No love/There's no love..." Axel discovers Zexion's diary. Slash, abuse, implied rape, implied shotacon


**Dear Diary**

Summary: "Desperate I will crawl/No love/There's no love..." Axel discovers Zexion's diary. Slash, abuse, implied rape, implied shotacon

Pairings: AkuZeku, hints of Zemyx and LarZex

Rating: M

First of all, this is not a songfic, though I freely admit a ton of inspiration from Breaking Benjamin's "Diary of Jane."

Secondly, this is easily the most disturbing and bizarre thing I have ever written. I'd always envisioned AkuZeku as my "disturbing/fucked up" pairing, but this goes beyond anything I've ever written. If you're faint of stomach, please...don't read this. Some of the implications near the beginning make _me _feel sick to the stomach, and I was the one who wrote them.

Seriously. This story pretty much implies that Axel is a pedophile. If you don't like seeing him that way, well, there's a reason your browser has a back button.

As for how this fits in with the rest of my AkuZeku stories - I initially planned on this being a short sketch to be included in "Recollections of the Doomed," but it quickly ballooned into something too long to justify being included in that drabble collection. And so it gets its own story. There are some very minor **Birth by Sleep** spoilers in here, so if you're fanatical about not being spoiled at all, don't read. Also, I've decided to take a sledgehammer to Tetsuya Nomura's head. Er, I mean, I think he's a lying douchebag for claiming that Nobodies don't age, but then flat-out implying that at least Zexion and Xigbar _have _aged from their human selves. Seriously. Ienzo's like, what, eight-ish in BBS? I can't buy him growing up that much in a single year. Though I prefer believing that Nobodies don't age, I'm not going to ignore canon evidence, so for the purposes of this story, Nobodies _do _age and Zexion throughout this story ages from the about nine, ten-ish Ienzo to about eighteen or so. Otherwise the universe is the exact same as that of the rest of my AkuZeku stories - look in particular for references to "The Library" and "Education." The whole aging deal is definitely part of what gives the story (and Axel) its extraordinarily creepy vibe.

I'm offering you one last chance to turn back. You don't want to read this shit if you value your ability to sleep during the nights.

**ETA: **Fixed the scene breaks and edited the song lyrics (I realized I had them wrong). As well as made minor revisions to touch up the prose.

* * *

_Something's getting in the way  
__Something's just about to break  
__I will try to find my place  
__In the diary of Jane_

_As I burn another page  
__As I look the other way  
__I still try to find my place  
__In the diary of Jane_

* * *

Axel wasn't surprised when he discovered that Zexion kept a diary; it was exactly the thing a secretive kid like him would do. If anything, he was more surprised that he hadn't chanced upon the thin pocket-sized book earlier, but here it was plopped like an afterthought on the library table.

Diaries. The very idea made Axel want to snicker. People claimed to keep diaries because they wanted somewhere to confide their secret. This logic struck Axel as dubious at best, idiotic at worst, because it seemed obvious to him that once you wrote a secret down, or spoke it, or in any way released it from the crevices of your mind, it no longer was a secret. If you wanted to keep something secret, you didn't say, "I have a secret." You kept it between your ears. Even acknowledging that it was a secret changed it from a secret into not-a-secret. Turned in dangerous, into something that could be used against you.

Axel should know. He'd become quite the expert at keeping secrets.

But a brat like Zexion? Axel shouldn't have expected him to be able to hide a damned thing. Everyone thought of the Cloaked Schemer as secretive, but this diary sitting in front of Axel was as solid as anything in The World That Never Was. A very nice diary, too, with a black leather cover and clasps on its sides (as if thosekept anyone from reading it).

So he didn't feel any guilt when he snapped the clasps open and turned the diary to its first page. Fancy pages, crisp and cream-colored and firm beneath his fingers. They were covered with Zexion's spidery handwriting. Many Organization members had trouble deciphering Zexion's closely-spaced and slanted letters, but Axel was quite good at it. At least it wasn't Demyx's scrawl.

Goodness gracious, he'd written a _lot. _The book was almost completely full.

"Well, well, Zex," he murmured aloud, "let's see what secrets you're keeping in that pretty little head of yours..."

* * *

_I would date this, but in this world time seems to pass differently than it does in others. Dating would be a waste._

_Even keeping this is a waste. I know that. But I kept a diary as Ienzo and I shall do so as Zexion as well. I know I may have nothing to say most of the time. That is fine._

_I will write in this as I please. Hopefully that will not be often._

XXXXX

_We were joined by two new members today. They looked somewhat familiar. Like some of the other children few as they may have been I knew from Radiant Garden. I cannot be certain, though._

_I think I spoke to the redheaded one before, once or twice. I cannot remember well. I should not, either. It is wrong to say "I" because that was not me. That was Ienzo._

XXXXX

_Vexen seems to know that I am keeping this diary. He asks me, sometimes, whether I am recording anything in it._

_He takes such an interest because he was the one who first taught me how to keep a diary. No. Even taught Ienzo how to keep a diary._

_These slip-ups frustrate me. If I am to be a scientist, I must be as precise as I can._

XXXXX

_The red-haired Nobody spoke to me. His name is Axel, number VIII. Back in Radiant Garden I think his Other was older than Ienzo by at least seven or eight years. Since he became a Nobody later than I did he is even older than me now._

_He said I was a cute kid and ruffled my hair. That annoys me. Very few of the others patronize me anymore, besides Xigbar of course. I don't appreciate this neophyte treating me that way. I shall make that clear to him._

XXXXX

_The neophyte Axel spoke to me again._

_We met in the library. I was surprised to see him reading because he didn't strike me as the sort to seek out books. Then I saw he was looking for comic books and my estimation of him quickly plummeted. Though it was never high in the first place._

_He asked me how old I was. I told him it was none of his business. He told me he was simply curious because I acted "like an old man" but looked "like a little brat."_

_How I despise him. Hatred is an emotion Nobodies cannot feel, of course, along with a plethora of others. But it is possible to hate even without feeling the emotion. I shall do my best to avoid this neophyte from now on._

XXXXX

_Axel and I were partnered today. It was a routine mission to world that we have just discovered. I was asked to go because I could help catalog the contents of the world's vast library._

_He was very rude to me, as ever. I notice that he seems to believe I have the memory of a goldfish, seeing how he has to ask me if I've memorized his words right after he says them. Fool. I despise being patronized to and I made that very clear to him. He laughed and called me adorable._

_I wanted to hit him, but I am not so degraded as to resort to violence. Not yet, anyway._

XXXXX

_I'm angry._

_Well, to be precise, I am not actually angry, seeing as I cannot feel any emotion. But all the same I cannot deny that I would love very much to run Vexen through with a knife._

_Why did he have to treat me that way? Most of the time it doesn't bother me; I know that Vexen has always viewed me as a child. It doesn't help that Even was the one who practically raised Ienzo. He is, in his eyes, my surrogate father. I do not see him that way, of course, but I can't persuade him to stop treating me like his child._

_But all the same. He did not have to pat me on the head and tell me to be careful before I left on the mission today. And he did not have to do that in front of Axel! _Axel, _of all people._

_He ribbed me about it during the entire mission. Oh, how I loathe him. I am going to the Superior and I am going to request a change in missions. I can't handle much more of this._

XXXXX

_Axel kissed me today._

_I didn't like it a single iota._

XXXXX

_Today Axel asked me how old I was. I think it was the first time he ever asked that._

_When I told him, he said, "I'm an impatient guy. To hell if I'm going to wait for you to reach the age of consent."_

_I'm scared of him._

XXXXX

_Axel has grown so...tall and strong as of late. It's frightening. He used to be not that much bigger than me. I could tell he was a teenager, closer to being my age than an intimidating adult. But now he's lost his baby fat and the gawkiness of adolescence. He's so much taller than me. He's not a boy anymore, I realize when I look at him. He's become a _man.

_He scares me more than ever. I keep thinking about his long-ago thinly veiled rape threat. Now I know he has the means to carry it out, and I can't fight back against him._

XXXXX

_"Raping you wouldn't be any fun. I want it be consensual, got it memorized?"  
_

_I don't, I don't I don't I don't I don't WANT you - _

XXXXX

_When we met today the Superior asked me about Axel. He noted that Axel seemed to have acquired a certain fondness for me. I denied it._

_"Guard your virtue well, VI," the Superior told me. "You are no longer a boy."_

_I asked him what he meant, but I think we both know full well._

_What has this come to? Even the Superior knows that Axel has designs on me._

_This can't continue._

XXXXX

_I slept with Axel and __hated __loved every damn second of it._

XXXXX

_The others look on us with a fair share of amusement, I think. After all we look so comical together. Tall and gangly Axel who strides with the confidence of adulthood. And awkward little Zexion, who standing on his tiptoes can only reach the middle of Axel's chest._

_I've heard some inquiries as to the legality of our actions. Every time I hear them I want to choke Legality doesn't exist for those who don't exist. We perform our actions as we please. Axel pleases me._

_It is quite simple. I may physically be barely a teenager, but I know what I want. I want Axel._

XXXXX

_Number IX is rather more kind to me than he ought to be. Today he bought me ice cream._

_I was a bit afraid, to be honest (insert usual disclaimer here about inability to feel emotions). I don't know why. I like the flavor he brought me - it is the kind that Ienzo enjoyed so much. Well, similar. It was rather too sweet. I preferred the balance between sweetness and saltiness of the other kind..._

_I shouldn't be afraid. It was a nice gesture. A little favor._

_But I can't shake the feeling that Axel wouldn't approve._

XXXXX

_Axel slapped me. He hit me when he found out that Demyx has been giving me ice cream every day after missions. _

_Not even my own parents ever hit me. No one's ever hit me before. Axel hit me hard. It hurts, I can feel it swelling right now._

_I'm scared I'm scared I'm so scared_

XXXXX

_"Bad boys who can't control themselves get tied up."_

_I feel (disclaimer) sick and dirty and foul and polluted I can see where the ropes dug into my skin I don't want to think about the bruises down there if I do they'll hurt again_

_I'm scared scared scared scared I'm scared to death of Axel_

_He slapped me in front of Demyx._

XXXXX

_"Cheating in plain sight. Whore."_

_I'm writing this in my bed because it hurts too much to get up, I don't want to get up. The sheets are encrusted with blood._

XXXXX

_I want Axel and I don't want him at the same time. I don't know what to do._

_I wish __my __Ienzo's parents were alive again._

XXXXX

_Well, well, what have we here?  
_

_A terrible introduction, if anything. But all the same, it has been years since I've written in this thing. Why, I'd even forgotten it existed. _

_What a silly child I was. And boring, too. Look at this. Half of these entries are me whining about Axel. Couldn't I have thought of more creative things to say?_

_It is a bit amusing, looking back on my childhood terrors. I'm amazed by the sort of reaction that Axel once could incite in me. I was so terrified of him, perhaps because I viewed those events as aberrations. Disasters like storms or wildfires, which left behind a wake of destruction but weren't prone to happening more often than a few times a year._

_I could never have imagined that Axel would soon make his reign of terror more systematic. More absolute. These days, I can't expect to speak to him and _not _get slapped. It's become tiresome, a routine. I wish he would stop, if only so I could actually hold a civilized conversation with him._

_A ha ha ha. Civilized. And Axel! An oxymoron if I ever saw one._

XXXXX

_Vexen...patted me on the head yesterday._

_It struck me that it has been years since he'd last done so._

_I don't want Axel to find out._

XXXXX

_Demyx tried to talk to me about Axel, but I blew him off. As usual. It's become a depressingly common scene._

XXXXX

_The bastard the bastard the bastard THE BASTARD _

_I hate you I hate you I hate you more than anyone how could you_

_That library was my home how dare you my home the library MY HOME_

_Bastard burn in hell burn in hell_

_Burning's not enough, I hope you freeze FREEZE forever you'll never be warm again you'll never start another fire again_

_BASTARD_

XXXXX

_Axel's grown more violent as of late._

_He's scaring me again. I don't like to be scared._

XXXXX

_It depresses me how every other entry in here seems to deal with Axel. So, to remedy this very pressing problem, I shall write about something besides that redheaded prick for once._

_Hmm. Lexaeus made me lunch today. I was surprised by such a gesture, even if the meat _did _taste like carpeting material. Well, they say it's the thought that counts. Lexaeus and I haven't been talking much. A pity. I suppose it's because I spend all my time with He Who Must Not Be Named._

_Speaking of which, I finished the seventh of those silly Harry Potter books today. It was as idiotic and boring as the rest in that series. I can't say that in front of Axel, though. He'll hit me, because for some arcane reason he likes those wastes of paper. Birds of a feather..._

_Shit. I resolved not to talk about him. Well, I can still salvage this. What else has happened recently? Ah, we now have twelve members, our Organization. This newest member is a girl, Larxene. Our first female member. Imagine that. It goes without saying that I try to avoid her. Axel, being the idiot that he is, asked me if I found her sexy. Of course I don't._

_Dammit. I don't have much resolve, do I? _

XXXXX

_Larxene...well. Larxene._

_I won't tell Axel, of course. He will be furious._

XXXXX

_He wasn't furious._

_I will never wear that maid uniform again so long as I live._

XXXXX

_These entries are so short. It's getting tiring, thinking of what to write._

XXXXX

_I want him to read this. I really do. I never realized that I did but now I know. And that's why every other entry is about him. About _you.

_Are you reading this, Axel? Please?_

_I hope you're getting the laugh of your life out of this. See how pathetically devoted to you I am. This diary is less about me than it is about you. Are you happy, you sick fuck?_

XXXXX

_Read every word and commit it to memory._

XXXXX

_I don't think you have. Committed it to memory, that is. Or are you even reading this?_

XXXXX

_YOU BLIND FOOL_

_I'm hiding this in such OBVIOUS locations too_

XXXXX

_Now is NOT the time to respect my privacy_

XXXXX

_Sometimes at night I can't stand it, it's so dark and I can hear and smell everything and I don't like it, it makes me realize how pitiful our quest is. Incomplete. We'll never be complete. Never never NEVER._

_So that's why I come to your room, Axel. That's why I cling to you and cry and I don't want to let go. I could never tell this to you out loud. It's pathetic, isn't it, being scared of the dark._

_Your fault. You never let me grow up._

_I was _twelve, _you sick bastard. _

XXXXX

_I flirted with Demyx yesterday. Did you notice?_

_I called him beautiful and sweet, a real charmer, not like you. And best of all? I believed it._

XXXXX

_Demyx's hands are so warm and soft. I asked him during our mission today why he stopped bringing me ice cream._

_He bought me a bar. It was a lime ice pop, not the kind that is so nostalgic to me, but I settled for it anyhow._

_It was delicious, but the kiss was even more so._

_Please tell me you're reading this._

XXXXX

_You're not reading this, are you? Or are you, and you're ignoring me? It certainly strikes me as something you would do. So immature, petty, and vindictive. Why am I with you in the first place? I should find someone better. I should find Demyx._

_That's right. I said it. I would rather sleep with Demyx than with you. How does that make you feel?  
_

_Tomorrow morning, I'll know once and for all if you've been reading this. It all depends on whether you bash my head in through the wall or not._

* * *

Slowly, Axel lowered the diary, letting it rest upon the table with a gentle whump. Years of Zexion's words swirled through his mind, pounding like thunder in time to the beat of a heart he no longer possessed.

It all made no sense. It all made perfect sense.

Silly boy. The silly poor little boy. He deserved - so much -

Axel stood up, his coat swishing around him.

"Indeed you'll know, Zexy," he murmured. "Hope you've got lots of potions handy..."

He opened a portal and stepped through it.

* * *

I hope for your sanity that you weren't suicidal enough to read this through to the very end.

I don't know where this came from and I still don't know what I think about it. Eurgh. I've read over this about three times and every time I feel like puking when I'm done with it. Which, I think, means I've done my job well - I definitely do believe that this is the most successful I've come to solidifying my vision of what AkuZeku should be. In fact...I almost kind of want to explore this aspect of the pairing more, because I don't think I ever touched on it before. I still hold by the "Nobodies don't age!" line, but exploring that has suddenly opened up a wealth of possibilities.

If it's not clear enough, there are two separate timelines going on in Zexion's diary entries - the ones he made when he first started out with Axel and he was a still a kid, and the more recent ones. The two threads should be pretty easy to tell apart, though. Naturally, these aren't every entry from his diary, just a sampling of the more important ones.

As for my semi-serious fics (_Tainted _and _Through a Mirror Darkly)_...ha ha ha. Updates are long coming. In the meantime, check out "Broken Memory," about a time traveler and midfuckery, on my fictionpress account.


End file.
